We all know that 90’s hit song Wonderwall by the band Oasis off of their album (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
I often find the catchy refrain on my lips while working, and don’t even get me started on how often it gets stuck in my head:
Because maybe…
You’re gonna be the one that saves me…
And after all…
You’re my wonderwall…
This is about to be one long blog, so get comfy (with your wonderwall if possible), put on a vinyl, and get ready for some lovey-dovey warm baked cookies in grandma’s den kind of feels in this autumn air heart-throb of a blog.
Pardon my poeticism.
For those who are unaware:
I seem to have a lot of people who mean a lot to me- especially one who has changed my life in numerous ways simply by being themselves. Only the summer before we met did this person totally devote their life to Christ in a special way, and then, when we finally did meet, I immediately attached myself to this person. I think it’s because I had never had someone who I could look up to that was an actual good role-model. Maybe I sensed that they were rock hard and stoic on the outside but inside they were warm and holy. And I was right. This person had a firm foundation in their Catholic faith and was solid in their mentality of directing everyone towards Christ, in one way or another (whether that meant hugging you and comforting you with words of encouragement or kicking your butt and motivating you in a somewhat brazen manner).
This person taught me how to love myself, how to try to love others, and most importantly how to love God, and how to let God love me. This person has taught me so much and has made such an impression on my life that I am sure I will never forget this person.
This person was my infatuation for a short time, and then I began to realize they were so much more than that. This person was a blessed and loving child of God. And I was blessed to have met and known this person. Frankly I feel that I am undeserving and unworthy of having met this older sibling of mine, but God allows certain people into our lives for a reason- so I am content with knowing that God designed that we should meet and know each other, regardless of how we felt about it or how short our time together was. But then again, our time really never ended, it just began to include eternity with Christ as the final destination.
This person showed me that I need to be patient with myself and others; they heard me out when I needed to talk, and they loved me like the older sibling I needed in my life. I feel that this person, in a quiet, reserved way, took me under their wing gently and began to show things to me that I had never understood or seen. And on occasion, this person would also invite me (or shove me) from the nest of the comfort zone in order to jaunt my wings into flight, to kick-start and ignite the flame of faith in my soul.
The one-worded reference or request directed towards me, the surprise pop-question that challenged my knowledge, the countless moments spent praying for this person and with this person, the times they counseled me, and the times they touched my heart are all so vivid in my mind simply because there is so much truth and meaning behind them.
I specifically remember one time this person and I were alone together and I began crying because I was over stressed (see my blog Lighten Your Load.), and this person simply allowed me space to breathe- I apologized and this person said to me, “It’s ok, you had a hard day at work.” That might not seem like a big deal, but to me someone was finally acknowledging how I felt and reminding me I was doing a good job when nobody else felt like giving me the time of day.
On another occasion this person reminded me that it was a great surprise to see me unexpectedly- at a time in which I was feeling like nobody wanted me.
To give an example of this person’s ability to motivate (in their drill-Sargent way), there were times when this person would tell me how I was unfaithful in certain ways and offer correction. So many people I know who also heard counsel from this person found them to be offensive- but they were missing the point of this person’s questions or requests. One time this person stopped my friend (Emily) and I, after a daily Mass, and asked us, “What are you girls going to do today?” This query was posed as if we should already know the response: this person wanted a specific answer. We both stood in silence for a moment- half in and out the door, and then I decided to be clever. I responded with the final blessing at Mass, “Go forth and preach the Gospel…?” This person stood in silence, still not the right answer, I guessed, then they said, “You’re going to go be Saints.” I remember the three of us laughed and then we two girls said, “We’ll try!” And then we left. Another time this person was speaking to a group of people and made sure to tell people that “If you’re not doing something for love, all you are is a clashing symbol and a banging gong” or something of the like. You can image a few disgruntled folks who said this person was too harsh. Obviously they didn’t understand this person’s point, but this person often said things like that; calling people out when necessary was one of this person’s many talents. That kind of motivation made some of us want to be Saints.
This person, though I am 100% sure they struggled with their own sin and imperfections, didn’t hesitate to try to help others out of their own sin and imperfection and sorrow. I remember this person saying this with a truth that still rings in my heart: “…man do I love Jesus. I love Jesus.”
To this day I think of this person saying that, and my heart melts a little more for Christ.
And of course- the fond memories of going on a retreat with this person and hearing them tell the group of young women present how important we are still speak to my heart in a sense of dignity. I will never forget that retreat- spoken about in Hayley K.’s blog Being Mary in a Martha World.
This person always calls me higher, even when I feel like I’m too tired, don’t want to, or am unable to do so. This person is the funnel through which Christ enters my soul much more intimately and spurrs my decided interest in and current discernment of the Sisterhood. Without this person I very well might not still be Catholic today, and I may have strayed far from Christ during times of great trial and personal struggle.
I remember my youth minister, Melissa, constantly telling us teens this analogy:
Everybody stands on a chair, and everybody has to stand on their chair with the help of others. Some people pull us up and support us, and others push us down to the ground and hurt us. Be someone who helps others up onto their chair.
My wonderwall is the person who pulled me up from the ground, brushed me off, and showed me how to stand on my chair so that I could help others up. And when I lost my balance, this person held me and propped me right back up, never complaining or grumbling along the way, only happy to help me as their spiritual student.
I haven’t had the wonderful blessing of seeing this person in a long time, and in the spirit of humility I’m hopefully awaiting the next moment when Christ decides to give me the gift and privilege of seeing this person again. I’m not entitled to this person’s time, nor do I have the right to demand it. I only wait for the time to come when this person and I can innocently hold each other’s hands in Heaven, as two little children of Our Father.
So yeah. Love interest? No. Wonderwall? Yes.
This person, to this day, continues to melt my heart, and their words always echo in my head, pushing me to make Christ my wonderwall instead of them. I’m definitely getting there. Slowly, but surely. Just as this person struggled through their discernment, I am going to struggle through mine in the way I will. You could call me obsessed, which I might be (only a little), or you could call me a romantic (much more accurate), but whatever you call me, just remember what this person said that I now say to you:
If you never reach for the Heavens, you’ll never know if you’re tall enough to grab ahold of them.
SeekWise 